Why are you not giving yourself permission to live? What is it in you that refuses to pursue your potential? What do you dream of doing that if only________were not in your way, you could?
Recently, I pondered these questions while thinking about someone I care about who is fearful of pursuing her dreams. Her situation reminded me of a time in my life when I choose my own subjugation.
When I was married the first time, I feared breaking free from the control I was so sure my mate had over me. I was convinced the source of the problem existed outside of me, in him. I often felt like a powerless child.
“If only he would allow me to follow my own desires and dreams, I could do something wonderful with my life. If only he didn’t care if I was a choreographer, I would really develop my talent. If only he didn’t control me, I could….”
I fumed and fussed. At my most livid moments, I plotted his imaginary death envisioning an end to my mental imprisonment. What if he died in a car wreck? Or, he could get some deadly disease. I insisted he plugged my bottle of life with the cork of his will.
When I complained to my Twelve-step sponsor, she would ask, “What are you afraid of JoDee? What is your next growth step that obsessing about him keeps you from taking?”
I wanted to obsess about him, but she kept returning the focus to me. I’d get angry thinking What is she talking about? This is so unrelated. Doesn’t she realize he is the very reason I can’t move forward?
“JoDee, let’s talk this through.” She’d say. “What’s the worst that can happen if you take that next step?”
Her words eventually wormed their way through the wooden barrier I constructed around my thoughts to protect me from fear. I learned to wield the sledgehammer of courage to smash holes in the fences I erected.
Together we rehearsed my worse case scenarios until the boogeyman no longer waited for me in the dark shadows of my mind.
When I eventually left him, the oddest thing occurred. New guards took his place, like the changing of the sentries at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Whether it was an unreasonable boss, an abusive friend, or most often my lack of direction, I came to realize my former spouse never really had any power over me. I had created the obstacles in my mind.
I discovered that like the soldier in the tomb, I was a person void of identity and absent of the courage needed to pursue my own dreams. I allowed obstacle after obstacle to keep me from rising up and out of my malaise.
In fact, subjugation formed the only familiar mental territory I could count on. I obsessed all of the ways my former spouse made my life miserable, even though we were apart. But the truth was that I had so many fears.
Fear of failure, “I can’t build a successful business.”
Fear of inadequacy, “Returning to college is too hard for me.”
Fear of being alone, “If someone doesn’t talk to me soon, or love me, or accept me…I’ll go crazy.”
A myriad of excuses riddled my best intentions and formed fences around my hopes. Like a wild stallion pawing the ground of desire, I circled self-constructed enclosures thinking,
If only I were on the other side where the fields of possibility stretch as far as my eyes can see.
Yes, we choose our own subjugation. Whether spouse, friend, family, church, or career, the imprisonments provide excuses for not stepping forward into the scary unknown.
Yet, there are tools we can use for overcoming: processing our fears through journaling, discussing possible action steps with a trusted friend, choosing to move forward one step at a time. We can break free from our mental limitations and inherit the freedom God promises those who believe.
Eventually, I studied my way through to earn a bachelor degree, credential, and masters. The fearful little girl who dreaded failing at school grabbed the tiger by the tail and didn’t let go. I learned web design, explored photography, developed my writing, and reentered the world of international travel.
Now, the pathways of possibility lay unfettered before me, at least in my mind that is, when I choose freedom
JoDee Luna Art 
I didn’t know you are a mind reader. Your points are something I struggle with everyday.
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YES! I always enjoy positive feedback like yours, Duke. If only I could find a way to end my struggles in this area forever. I guess, then, I wouldn’t be human.
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So often, we listen to the broken records in our heads that have been placed our minds by the mental hi-jackers in our lives. But ultimately, it’s up to us to smash those records.
Its a constant process.
Shelly
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Shelly, yes, yes, and YES! I’m a magnet for unhealthy messages! “Mental hi-jackers in our lives,” I love this! Well put!
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I know the subjugation I am dealing with now. Right now there is simply no way out of it.
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I love this one. Don’t we all do this? If only we could somehow learn how to recognize it sooner, so that we move forward faster each time! Love you friend. B
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Great post. So much has to do with confidence, a belief in yourself, and the ability to accept possible failure. For me, a lot of that has come with growing older and having kids. I wouldn’t say I’m 100 percent there, but i’m working on it.
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I agree with you. Growing older definitely helps me sort through my values, priorities, and pursuits. I also see the world from a different perspective after having raised children. Thank you for your comment, sleeplessparent.
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Wow sleeplessparent, you hit exactly what I went through when I went back to school about 8 yrs ago now. I was in my 40’s, so the “older” of the students. Not really enjoying school anyways, I had no confidence, belief in myself? not much. Thinking about being a failure? yes, and I did have to repeat 1 class, Anatomy. But so did many others, so I was ok with it. By the time I graduated, took the boards for nursing, I felt like I could accomplish anything that was put out there for me. It taught me to fight that inner destroyer that plays with your mind to get you to fail. I found age has its advantages. The instructors like you more and we are all wiser as we get older! And it gave my kids the satisfaction that they “tutored” their mother in Chemistry and Algebra!
Thanks for the visit down memory lane!
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Lisa, you are very gifted at expressing yourself through words! You aptly described my similar experience of going back to college later in life. Fantastic comment deserving a full post (hint, hint).
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Algebra in my life is life using profanity! Nev could get that stuff!
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Inspirational JoDee. I like how you describe your victories, yet acknowledge that it is an ongoing battle–as it is for all of us whether we recognize the resistance or not.
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Well put, Slamdunk. I love the way you expressed what was in my heart.
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All so true, and like the others, you put into words things I’ve been learning my way through in recent years. Subjugation. Wow, that’s pretty naked and honest but it aptly expresses what happens when we allow ourselves to be controlled by others. Sometimes they are so strong though and it takes a lot of wrangling to get free, and then the challenge is not to go back.
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Dianne, I love the way you expressed the essence of the struggle in your comment. “…wrangling to get free, and then the challenge is not to go back.” You described my life so succinctly. Thank you!
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I also think another issue we deal with is projection. We get caught up in one others might think or react. In the end we have no idea how others will respond. In the end you must be comfortable with who you are when you lay your head on the pillow at night.
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Duke, I couldn’t agree with you more. We must come to a place of peace with our unique purposes. No one else can settle those inner issues we wrestle with at the end of the day. You provided wonderful insight in your comment!
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The question then becomes is that peaceful place attainable? There are many pressures that fight against that. In many ways those closest to you are the biggest obstacle. Understandably they have agendas.
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Duke, you have a very keen intuition and way of discerning the heart of the matter. I depend upon morning writing to help me return to that peaceful place you described. Then the day’s pressures begin and I often long to return to my serenity. Thankfully, those closest to me have recognized my need for time alone to reflect. My family and I went through an adjustment period when I started writing regularly but now the habit is soundly in place.
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thanks for the kind words. it is always a balancing act in life. I am proud of you.
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