Divided Heart

Have you ever felt like your life ambitions extend beyond your expiration date? Full days leave little time for working towards those projects you want to finish.

Welcome to my world. I pack far too much into every possible moment and often have a difficult time deciding what I want to do the most. It doesn’t help me when people say, “Do what’s in your heart.”

That’s my problem. I’ve got a divided heart.

I want to teach youth to read, discover their voices through writing, and dare to explore their dreams. My heart flutters when hope sparks in their downcast eyes.

I would like to learn how to design a book so one day I can help people put their stories into print. Not so they can become New York best-selling authors, but so they can share their passions and preserve their heritages.

I desire to have a thriving creativity website full of resources for creative eclectics, people like me who stitch their artistic temperament together like a patchwork quilt.

Lisa Brickner's beautiful quilt (My childhood best friend)

I envision video demonstrations of home-style crafting, the kind of activities my mother taught me around our family table.

I want to publish my books to encourage others, not only by sharing the positive but also by exposing the negative parts of my life. I think, “Perhaps if I’m honest and reveal my struggles with the hard times, people will find hope to endure their own.”

So I layer my heart like a quilt, stitching and sewing one desire after the other onto the limited space. I don’t know when I’ll finish or whether I can fit one more colorful patch onto an already crowded spot.

Dee Cosola's quilt (My Mom)

Last night, I fell onto my pillow thinking, I’ll never have time to finish all that I want to do.

Then I remembered the misty eyes of a mother at this week’s parent conferences. She glowed when I told her “Your son’s reading level has increased from the middle of second grade to early fourth.”

I thought about the after-school visit with my childhood best friend, Lisa. The aroma of baked apple bread welcomed me into her kitchen.

Lisa's delicious apple bread

A quilting project spread across the counter, reminding me of my mother’s love of the craft.

Lisa showing me her quilting project

We strolled across her property reminiscing days of growing up riding horses along the dusty trails of Leona Valley. I snapped pictures of her Emu and we giggled like children.

Lisa's Emu

We shared our memories of mothers who taught us to cook, sew, raise animals, and create art. At one point, we both choked back the tears when she said, “I want to write about my childhood so I can preserve those memories for my two sons.”

In that moment, my heart swelled with the same desire. I could feel the threads of my ambitions, I had so neatly stitched, begin to snap. The tiny rows of strands separating my purposes unraveled. I wanted to become like the worn out quilt she softly touched while she sighed, “I should have used better fabric. My family wore out this quilt. They pull the stuffing out, and I find it around the house.”

Worn threadbare from love

In that moment, my impatience seemed foolish.

So this morning, I set aside the nonfiction book proposal I’ve labored over and picked up my pen thinking, I must capture these memories before they perish forever. Sure, I might have a divided heart, but for a few moments it felt whole once again.

16 Replies to “Divided Heart”

    1. Thank you Anastasia. Your comment means so much to me. I also enjoy your blog and you inspire me to realign my spiritual priorities and passions. I’m also so excited for your publishing venture. You give me hope that I can publish one day as well.


  1. good for you. Last night I heard the Salvation Army bells ringing for the first time this year. It kind of puts things into perspective.


  2. Hi friend. I really enjoyed reading your latest blog. I sooo understand that whole struggle! I know that our lives are too short to do all that is in our h earts. So, I waste too much time doing things that will need to be redone tomorrow, but also, I am doing new art and enjoying the small moments of each day. I appreciate you, and your daring venture to continue to search out and go deeper for all of us. Keep going!! I am a fellow traveler with you in your quest!


    1. Phyllis, your comment warmed my heart. and resonated within me, “…your daring venture to continue to search out and go deeper for all of us.” How perfect is that? I wish I could have made it to your art show. I would love to add pictures to your feature page on the creativity website if you would like. I believe we are both in a very fruitful season of our lives. You truly must consider writing some feature posts for my blog!


  3. “Have you ever felt like your life ambitions extend beyond your expiration date? Full days leave little time for working towards those projects you want to finish.”

    You’ve captured how I feel today. As I was reading your blog and seeing the pictures of the quilts I found myself yearning for time to quilt again. Where did that time come from, where did it go and will I ever have that time again? I have so many varied interests and all of them take time. My heart is divided as well.


    1. flyinggma, lately I’ve also been missing the arts and crafts I usually do. I poured myself into my blogs and writing over the summer and find myself longing to wrap my hands in yarn once again. Even my sister senses this draw towards our childhood creativity. Recently she asked me, “Can we create some dough sculptured Christmas ornaments soon?” Perhaps it is the chilly air and hope of fireside nights that is drawing us back to our artistic selves.


  4. Oh yes, do I know the feeling. With at least four creative passions, it is hard to get around to working as much on any one of them as I would like.
    I try to look at it from a different perspective: At least I am never bored. I can never manage to do all that I would like to, but I am grateful for having so much that I would like to do and that I enjoy doing. It’s an endless fountain.
    It doesn’t solve the problem, but it helps me a little.


  5. I believe those of us who work another job and have families are divided. My clients always tell me that when I become published they’ll be disappointed if I no longer do thier hair. My response is always, I’ll still cut your hair. I’ll go part-time. Laundry, dusty shelves, dirty floors and dishes call. I have to attend to daily chores.

    My daughters always seem to call or appear right when I’m in the middle of writing a really good scene. Or my dogs whine to go outside.

    And if those don’t divide me, well I have so many different writing projects going on to finish amongst editing, beta-reading and so forth.

    I guess being divided is being human.



    1. Shelly, I so relate. I used to be a hairdressor, and I still cut one client’s hair. He has been a friend since high school and is currently a judge but I can’t say no. My adult children skype from South Korea and text from South Africa while I’m trying to write. Yet how can I let those precious opportunities pass on by? I guess real life feeds our writing.


  6. Do you suppose our Father created our physical hearts in chambers as a guide to understanding our emotional hearts as multi-chambered; that in order for us to be healthy each chamber must function independently and in concert? We live in a circular world – a true straight line doesn’t exist. Could it be that all of your heart’s desires are tied together in the rhythm of God has given you? That each part works on its own, but together the parts are even more valuable? Why is it that I usually think of food as example? You are a lovely trifle! Each ingredient lovely on its own, but together pure delight! Thanks, as always for sharing your gifts.


    1. Linda, what an interesting perspective and one I would love for you to elaborate on for a post ??? You have a way of envisioning the mystery of how I’m created and I find myself mulling over your words more than my own. If you won’t do the post, would you mind if I shared your words in one?


  7. It’s frustrating to have so many things we want to do and not enough time to do them — but it makes us so rich! Imagine feeling like we had too much time and no interesting ways to fill it. We are thinkers, dreamers, lovers, laughers, helpers, learners. Without these parts of us, we would be prisoners.

    Beautiful thoughts, well-written. Thanks for sharing!


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