Recipes for Living

Need a good laugh? Try reading one of these “Recipes for Living.” In order to fully appreciate them, you must watch the movie, “The Waitress.”

*All recipes read with a southern drawl!

Co-dependent Cake

Mix Together:

• 1 bowl full of “Never Say No” (I don’t know how much. How big is your bowl?)
• 4 scoops of “Say What you Don’t Mean”
• Keep 5 cups of “What you Really Feel” in the cupboard 
• 10 tablespoons of “Take on More than you can Handle”
• 5 handfuls of “Family Needs”
• 10 “Home-cooked Meals a Week”

Stir In:

• 25 hours of “Time on the Phone with People in Crisis”
• 50 hours of business calls

Pour into a cake pan until the batter is running over the sides

Dust lightly with “Time for yourself” so as the cake bakes, you cannot see the sprinkles

Puncture cooked cake with “cantankerous criticism”

Drizzle back-stabbin, lowdown, plain old mean syrup into the holes

Allow 1 week after cake is baked for “Illness Onset”

Watch everyone else eat the cake from your sickbed

*(Substitutions for ingredients suggested depending upon lifestyle demands) JoDee

 

Poor Me Pie

• 1 cup of teardrops to wet the inside of a dry bowl
• Mash one $50,000 home equity loan statement used to pay for your kids education into a fine pulp
• Shred a $5,000 credit card bill from all of your business tries into fine strips and add
• Pour in 3 cups of “Worry All Night about Finances” and stir vigorously
• Apply 2 tbs. of the paste to closed eyelids and try to take a nap while the mixture settles

In one hour:

Bake at 500 degrees while standing over the oven door cracked open so as to incite a fumin and a fussin frenzy. Dance wildly around the kitchen screaming out frustrations. When the pie is all cooked up, slice into wafers and chuck out across an open pond or pelt at stray dogs—the human or animal kind. JoDee

 

Procrastination Pie

Ingredients

• Any pie ingredients of your choosin
• An empty pie tin

Directions:

• Place all pie ingredients on the countertop and let them sit next to the empty pie tin
• Look for the messiest cupboard in your kitchen from which you can see the pie ingredients (These will be plentiful and prolific in the kitchen of procrastinators)
• Clean the cupboard by throwing out all outdated items (except the ones you are sure can still be used even though they are way overdue)
• Move the d-Con mouse and rat poison away from your potato chips to a secure location in your garage
• Organize all items into categories such as baking goods, snacks etc.
• Move the categories around onto different shelves all-day-long
• Be sure to look back at the pie ingredients on your countertop to make sure they are still there and repeat, “I will get to that tomorrow.”

Suggested Use:

To avoid the planning of a project or other important activity in your life. Yes, the pie will not get made nor your life advanced but you will feel real good about your clean cupboard and you will spare your life by movin that thar d-Con! JoDee

 

I’m Depressed Donuts

• 3 c overworked elbow grease
• 5 c past your flour as a woman
• ½ c sweet things in life left
• 1 c whole milk
• 3 Tbs powdered my face instead of exercising
• 1 c of feel sorry for yourself syrup

Mix together all ingredients in the afternoon when your energy level is low and depression tends to set in. Kneed dough vigorously so as to work your biceps. Pinch off dough balls and flatten with angry slaps. Take a glass and cut out the heart of each dough ball. Place donuts and doughnut centers into hot grease and fry until golden brown. Drain doughnuts and doughnut centers on paper towel. Sprinkle with powdered my face and drizzle over with feel sorry syrup. Eat only doughnut centers and store donuts in a place where they can be seen in order to remind yourself of how many things in life you just can’t have.   

 

Bitter About Life Brownies

• 1 cup of teardrops to wet the inside of a dry bowl
• 1 egg on my face
• 5c ground flour from grains of discontent
• 2c cocoa powder laced with self-pity
• 1c syrup extracted from beat myself up sugar cane
• 1/2c unsalted bitter butter
• 1c milk of malaise
• A smidgen of I got the dirt on you

Stir bitter butter, beat me up syrup, and egg on my face into a whip. Mix dry ingredients together and add. Stir in milk of malaise and pour into a pan. Bake in a smoldering oven for 3 hours. Brownies will produce an initial euphoria followed by a sustained period of depression. Taste enhanced when eaten with a friend while hashing over your enemies.

Relinquish your Rights Raisons

•  Pick 10 plump clusters of fat, juicy grapes from the Vine of Life
• Lay into a narrow crate of compliance
• Place crate in scorching sun of small minds
• Allow rays of sarcasms to permeate the fruit
• As grapes begin to shrivel, spread out onto a pallet of rigidity
• Flatten fruit uniformly with a vice of conformity
• Check periodically until all juice is evaporated
• Gather hard raisons into small bowl

 *Best served to the young who have strong teeth

*Difficult to chew and digest with dentures