Have you ever peered at your possible destiny as if through a key hole? You can see what you want to do or who you want to become but opening the door is difficult.
It is as if this whole other woman is trying to emerge from the person I already am. The challenge of discovering my identity as a fairly new blogger is only a fraction of the quest to discover who I can be as an emerging writer. This door only inches open in spite of how much I try to push.
Discovering a worthy pursuit is merely the first step in achieving your dreams. Trying to push a door open is often met with the resistance of “life junk” piled up against it on the other side. If you doubt that, just try integrating regular writing, blogging, or creating into your already busy life.
The obstacles to doing what we dream of are every bit a part of the mind and emotions as they are external challenges. I bear shoulder of determination against the door and push with all my might with little progress in inching the door open any further.
Maintaining two blogs while simultaneously pushing my self-publishing projects forward is extremely taxing at times. Yet, I can see that this step in my process is “key.” Why? Because I am convinced I cannot do this quest alone. I need the encouragement of readers to infuse strength for pushing on that closed-door once again.
I enjoy blogging and feel this is an important part of my identity development because it forces me to stretch technology and writing skills. Blogging also benefits me because I can connect with other writers and draw strength from their “stories of overcoming.” The deeper I get into this self-publishing quest, the more convinced I am that I need the help of others to grow into these pretty big shoes I envision filling.
My editor said the publishing world is currently undergoing a complete revolution towards self-publishing. One only needs to read articles in newspapers, magazines, and online to see how true this is. The advent of the internet—with its incredible social networking craze—now provides new opportunities for start-up authors. Navigating through the choices of companies, packages, and processes often overwhelms me.
However, the challenges extend beyond time management or even facing intense fears . Figuring out the self-publishing world requires a lot of time. I wish there were another eight hours in my day. I often push myself until complete exhaustion and sickness occurs. Then in this weakened state, I long for more times of rest! I just slept for thirty-six hours after coming down with some strange illness. I missed a family wedding and reunion in Palo Alto this weekend because I could not get out of bed due to being so sick.
I often find myself frozen because of all I want to do. I have even procrastinated about signing up for a local writer’s conference in spite of wanting to connect with other writers.
Coming out of my cloistered writing lifestyle proves far more difficult than anticipated. Writing about the process seems to help me identify my specific barriers and push through them. I will persist because I am determined to do so. The entrance is right there within sight.
One particular obstacle I often encounter is giving myself permission to do the new. We creative types often have a difficult time sorting out what we should do when conflicted with our responsibilities versus our passions. I have found that “doing both” is not always as easy as I think it will be.
I see that life is also about finding workable rhythms. Actually integrating a new activity into your life on a regular basis takes talent (like designing a well-arranged flower box). In order to include the new, some of the current activities must be stopped or at least pushed aside. This is not a linear activity that can always be scheduled precisely, especially for a creative, right-brained thinker. Often it is a sensing that we women have as to what is priority for the day. We engage in a constant and ongoing value assessment trying to decide what to add, subtract, or rearrange.
We try to create the perfect recipe of living that always eludes our grasp until we collapse in frustration. This is one of the main reasons I write early every morning. I have to sort and sift my present pursuits rearranging their order quite like chess pieces in an intense game with a brilliant opponent who resists my winning. We must daily decide what to weed out and what to water.
I repeat my father’s words over and over again, “It is not either or but more or less.” Today a little more family time, career time, etc…tomorrow a little more my time, writing time, editing time etc…
And in the middle of such mayhem, the door opens and destiny is born!